They never made love. Virginity – their secret and shame. We invited them to talk frankly about one of the last sexual taboos of our time.
“It is worth going outside, immediately stumble upon an advertising shield – two squeeze https://princeadedapoadekunles.com/2023/09/best-women-s-jewelry-brands/ each other in their arms. I go to the cinema or read a novel – and I definitely fall on erotic scenes. I open the magazine – and the look grabs the headlines like “How to conquer it in bed?”. I live in a world where everyone is constantly making love. Everyone but me”. These are the words of 34-year-old Marina.
“Sometimes I think that I will die without knowing what real sex is, and at such moments I really want to die,” 33-year-old Arthur admits. “When you are sixteen and you are a virgin, it’s even touching. But at thirty -six it looks funny and indecent, ”Anna says bitterly.
What are they silent about
How many feels such feelings is unknown: there are no statistics, and it’s hard to count on frankness in this matter. Nevertheless, many adults live, remaining virgins, and suffer from this, as from an anomaly that can not tell anyone about.
“I blush when they ask me: who are you according to the horoscope – Virgin? I hate expressions like “innocent sheep”, “virgin jungle” and so on, ”admits 32-year-old Zoya.
Anna is defended by the power of acting: “For all I play the role of a sort of cheerful girl. No one knows the truth, except for two friends with whom we have known each other since childhood. “. For her, deception is a saving, but forced measure, so as not to attract attention, not to make excuses and not answer the question: “Why?”
“The virginity of an adult in public opinion no longer looks like a virtue. They even see social insolvency: if you are successful, you must be successful in everything, ”comments the sexologist, doctor of medical sciences Sergey Agarkov.
In most cases, virgins do not advocate either for virginity as such. But they always have any explanation
“Sexual start before marriage becomes a common occurrence. At the same time, the age of marriage increases, ”adds gynecologist Elena Egorova. -For 16-17-year-old boys and girls, to enter into sexual relations today prestigiously. Moreover, when a child has no partner at the age of 20, parents are worried: is everything all right with him? Such a change in morals is an additional problem for those who have never had sexual relations “.
“I don’t know why this has not happened to me,” Anna continues irritably. – When I was twenty, I waited for the meeting of the “one”, “only”. I was always shy, it was difficult for me to make contact. It seemed to me that I was not ready yet, the time had not yet come and the like. I was a naive idealist, waiting for the prince. At thirty I devoted myself to work. Now I feel that I missed something. “
In most cases, virgins do not advocate either for virginity as such. But they always have any explanation: “There is too much work”, “There is no desire”, “There is no time” or “Until you met your love” ..
“In order to live in harmony with yourself, you just need to come up with some kind of explanation, some kind of concept,” explains Sergey Agarkov. – For example, a person explains this by the fact that he is “completely given to science” – and as if in confirmation of this, he sits in the library for hours and at the computer, ceases to communicate with friends.
This is an example of the so -called substitution behavior: when it is too difficult to achieve the desired, we unconsciously switch to other activities, thereby relieving stress and anxiety ”.
The question of the relationship
Until a certain point for many, virginity is not a problem. Sometimes young people even defend their right to remain virgins until they meet a loved one.
But by year by 30, anxiety arises, and after it the real phobia may form: “Can I be able to?”,” Are I normal?»A person falls into the cycle of doubts, which in the end can lead to rejection of his body, fear of the body of another person. To the 40-year line, mental pain only intensifies.
“Virgins of mature age no longer expect sexual relations,” says Elena Egorova. – Rarely someone says: “I want sex”. The very possibility of penetration into their body cannot but bother them, they are afraid of pain. Rather, they will say: “I want children, home, family”.
Often the problem is not sex: leaving him, men and women unconsciously abandon any close relationship
Someone puts an end to his sexuality, fearing disappointments. Someone follows the attitudes learned in childhood-for many years we retain “harmless” parental instructions in the memory.
“My mother did not say anything bad about sex,” says Marina. – I just advised to wait: the main thing is study;Take care of yourself for someone who will be worthy of you. So I have not sexy, but an emotional problem: I never fell in love “.
Most sexologists consider it erroneous to separate sex from other components of love relationships. “Often the problem is not sex: leaving him, men and women unconsciously abandon any close relationship,” explains the French sexologist Michelle Saal.
“Basic and reliable, these people are not so confident in themselves that they are constantly exhausting themselves with questions:“ Do I do so?”,” Is I acting correctly?” – continues the sexologist, doctor of medical sciences Lev Scheglov. “It’s easier for them to just abandon relationships than to continue to doubt and worry.”.
Virginity and religion
Sometimes people do not just come to terms with their prolonged virginity, but defend their right to it. “More and more Muslims want to remain virgins before the wedding,” says gynecologist Elena Egorova. – They live according to the principles that their young people share and their young people. “.
After 30 years, they go into the category of unmarried and childless “aunts” and easily accept such a life, but suffer if their beliefs were imposed by their families, ministers of the church, community.
Katerina is 43 years old, she is a Catholic, she goes to church, which helps her put up with her virginity: “There are times in life when you need to make a choice. I decided to protect myself for my husband and still hope that this meeting will happen. But I do not regret that I still have no sexual life. Once it was a difficult test for me, but Vera helped me overcome it “.
Fill out life
“I suffer because I have no one and never had,” says Anatoly. – Sex is one of the forms of communication, but it is not available to me at 32 years old. Falling asleep, I hug a pillow, so that there is even an illusion of the presence of another person. Naturally, I masturbate, but then I feel even more unhappy. You can compensate for the lack of sex, but not a lack of tenderness “.
“Of course, sometimes I do this, caress myself, but less and less. As if the hope of finding someone is leaving, and I refuse my body, it is no longer interested in me-because it is not interested in anyone else, ”Anna admits.
“If there is no sexual life, the body can eventually just shut up,” says the French psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Jean-David Nizo. – And it is an important component of our “I”. Nothing is lost until a person keeps contact with his body: plays sports, dances, goes to the sauna, does a massage ”.
This is a much more healthy way to make up for the lack of sex than the departure from reality to work or addictions. And, when the moment comes, it will be easier for such a person to make love precisely because his body remains in tone, despite abstinence.
When a woman has no close relations for many years, problems may arise: varicose veins, back pain
“We recommend women to do a special set of exercises in fitness centers, which not only supports the body, but also improves blood circulation in the pelvic organs,” says Elena Egorova. – Sexual life and/or regular masturbation have a beneficial effect on the body as a whole. Когда у женщины нет близких отношений долгие годы, могут возникнуть проблемы со здоровьем: варикозное расширение вен, боли в спине, пояснице, которые девственницы часто принимают за радикулит. Working with your body helps to avoid this “.
When Eugene met his future friend, he was already 40 years old: “Before that I had no sex. Now I seemed to see after many years of wandering in complete darkness. Previously, as soon as it came to sex, I unconsciously did everything to break off relations. I had to work with a psychologist for several years – and I understood the reason for my internal prohibitions. “.
Do not calculate that after meetings with a psychotherapist, life will immediately be transformed. But for sure this work will allow you to realize its fears, to call them and tame, to find a different idea of the world in which there is a place for love. “Psychotherapy allows my patients to become more open with other people,” says Elena Egorova. “Even if they do not part with virginity, they suffer less, because they find other ways to fill their lives”.
When “this” occurs
“It happened by itself,” says Zoya. – I pass psychotherapy and now express my feelings much more freer. What, I think, helped me get to know this man. We both worked in negotiations, then dinner together, some kind of sympathy arose.
He was married, and therefore the relationship could not continue. I was able to talk about my virginity with a man for the first time. And I slept with him.
There was no conversation about any love, but everything happened with great tenderness, easy. Nice. This first experience seemed to liberate me, now I feel like a normal, beautiful woman. “.